What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 02:33
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was scared of men, in general
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Who then, do I blame.?
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She loved him until the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
How do you leave a relationship when you are still in love?
We all went to grammer schools
I think the readers, may guess!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why do nice guys rarely or never win?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Comes on , in middle age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She married twice! .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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All the time i was locked up.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
One cannot live in the past .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I write beautiful poetry .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I don,t even have a pension.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But, we were locked up after school.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ive learnt so much.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I waited trembling.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So whats the point in blame.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So, i spoilt her more .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was in good health!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Would this be the day?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She found it foreign!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I said to her
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
But it wasn’t much.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I have no regrets .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I will be 64.
I was seconnd youngest,
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Put me off passion for life!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i lived it daily.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What did i know ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years